i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
