I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
