Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
