I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
