Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
