Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
