so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
