You really coming over, don't trick.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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