And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
