totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
