I am in a vortex of obligation.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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