sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
