I'm pants shitting drunk right now
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
