Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
