you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
