My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
