I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
