there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
