"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
