All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
