Have you finally orgasmed yet?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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