The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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