Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
