Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
