have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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