how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
