I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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