Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
