Sacagawea was the original milf.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize