So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
