Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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