we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
