it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
