i just sent this text using only my big toe
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
