So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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