this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
