listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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