The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
