you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
