i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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