dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
