Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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