Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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