i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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