the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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