im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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