You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
