So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
