You can't motorboat a personality
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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