we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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