I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
