if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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