I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pappa wants mamma naked
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
