You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
