I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if only i could text you this smell
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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