I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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