mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
