Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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