and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
