Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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