I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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