I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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