Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
