Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
