i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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